Surviving a Dysfunctional Family System: My Personal Path to Self-Discovery and Empowerment
Growing up, I often wondered why some families shared Sunday dinners while mine danced in the flames of chaos. "Is this punishment?" I'd ask, only to be told, "Some folks get dealt a rough hand." Those words etched a disempowered mindset in my young soul. Fast forward to my mid-30s, on the verge of surrendering to a life of perpetual struggle. Little did I know, this moment would become a pivotal fork in my journey.
I've always been a fighter, a warrior, and that resilience saved me. Choosing curiosity over acceptance, I embarked on a quest for answers. These answers reignited hope, the catalyst for my healing journey from deep-seated trauma and dysfunction.
Trauma's Grip
Childhood trauma is elusive; you can drown in it without realizing you're wet. My mom's addictions, our chaotic existence – that was my normal. Raised by emotionally stunted adults trapped in their narratives, I navigated a world devoid of hope. As a child, I felt like an outsider in my own family, yearning for answers amid the relentless chaos.
In those critical developmental years, I was surrounded by traumatized adults, emotionally stunted and shackled by their past. Their worldview was one of a cold, harsh, and cruel existence, a lens through which I unwittingly perceived the world. Born into a family with deep, unhealed trauma, chaos became nothing short of normal. My mother's struggles seeped into every aspect of our lives, and the adults around me, trapped in their own histories, were both emotionally absent and unaware. This left me, a child, to grapple with the consequences of their unresolved pain, building a foundation for a life fraught with disappointment and struggle.
Unveiling the Path
Counting down the days to escape, I didn't foresee the unpreparedness adulthood held. Turning 18 doesn't erase memories. Darkness descends when we realize our past clings within. We unwittingly follow the footsteps of those who hurt us, not out of desire but pain. We mimic their coping mechanisms, numbing our own anguish, having never learned a healthier way to navigate hurt.
In the anticipation of freedom, I yearned to leave behind the chaos, to dissociate from the reality that had imprisoned my childhood. Little did I grasp the weight of unpreparedness for the world that awaited me. The fantasy of adult life shattering the moment I stepped into it, I confronted the lingering shadows of abuse, neglect, and abandonment. The transition to adulthood, instead of liberation, revealed the inner demons, remnants of years of pain, that awaited my reckoning. The footprints of my tormentors became my involuntary guide, leading me down a treacherous path of self-destruction.
Embracing Change
I loathed myself for mirroring their destructive patterns. Alcohol, co-dependent relationships, chaos – I mirrored it all. Seeking love, I faced the dual battle of yearning for acceptance while wrestling my inner critic. Exhausted and at a personal rock bottom, I unknowingly sought help, surrendering to a power that would guide me toward recovery.
In the midst of this self-loathing, a morning marked a personal rock bottom. Numbing out, searching for love in the wrong places, and perpetuating a cycle of despair, I found myself exhausted. The reflection in the mirror spoke my mother's name, and every aspect of me became a trigger, a painful reminder of the path I was desperate to escape. That moment, unbeknownst to me, was a silent plea to my higher power. In recovery, I've learned that she had been there all along, watching over and guiding me. I was asking for help, guidance, and surrendering – powerful steps echoing the principles of the Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families 12-Step program (ACA), a program that would cross my path a few years later. Looking back, my surrender swiftly ushered in the support I so desperately needed, marking the beginning of my readiness for change.
Healing Journey
Recovering from the repercussions of a dysfunctional family system isn't swift; it demands an open heart and confrontation of inner demons. Overcoming old habits, redefining relationships with alcohol, love, and self, I've learned to love myself. It's an ongoing process, from dismantling old thought patterns to building an unbreakable foundation rooted in my connection to self.
Navigating the path of childhood trauma recovery has required me to let my heart be cracked wide open. Facing my demons head-on, I've worked towards forgiveness for those who hurt me and, more importantly, self-forgiveness. Making amends to those I've hurt, I've tirelessly worked to release old ways of thinking, patterns, and habits. Unlearning everything I thought I knew became a journey in itself. My relationship with alcohol, sex, love, and money began to change. Calming my critical inner parent while re-parenting my inner family and myself became a daily practice. Learning to love myself unconditionally, exchanging self-judgment for self-compassion, is an ongoing process. As I evolve, I am still learning and growing, working on letting my walls down, trusting, and being vulnerable. Building an unbreakable foundation continues, one that stems from my own self-confidence, ensuring I no longer rely on others to fulfill my needs.
Milestone Celebration
Approaching two years of no contact with my family, I celebrate by shedding a name steeped in heartache. While I will forever be grateful and celebrate Tracy Jenkins, the girl who brought me all this way, it’s time to let her rest.
In this celebration, I'm letting go of more than a name; it's a shedding of layers that no longer align with the woman I am becoming. This process is an act of self-love, a declaration that the past will no longer dictate my present or future. Embracing Morgan Wilde signifies not just a change in nomenclature but a profound shift in my identity, a conscious effort to break free from the chains of shame and unworthiness. As I step into this new phase of my journey, I anticipate further evolution, growth, and a continued commitment to healing. This milestone is a testament to the strength within me and the unwavering support that surrounds me, a beacon of hope for anyone embarking on their own path of self-discovery and healing.
Closing and Call to Action
Sharing my story is an invitation—to begin your healing journey, to persevere, or simply to connect. In every story, there lies the potential for inspiration and shared strength. Whether you're at the beginning of your journey or navigating the twists and turns, know that you are not alone. Reach out, share your experiences, and draw strength from the collective resilience that blooms within supportive communities. The healing journey is uniquely yours, but the echoes of shared struggles can be a guiding light. If my story resonates with you, if it sparks a flicker of recognition or hope, consider it a call to action. Take that first step toward reclaiming your narrative, toward embracing your true self. You are worthy of healing, growth, and the life you envision. I am here to support you, as are countless others who have embarked on similar journeys. Your story is a powerful force, and by sharing it, you contribute to the tapestry of collective healing.